Growth

In the calm of the night it’s just me and you
Snuggled up in the blue hue of your nightlight

Your dad is sleeping silently next to us.
There’s not a sound in the room
Nor a care in the world
Just your muffled whimpering
Quieting as you find my warm skin with your mouth.

In the calm of the night, time ceases
Who cares what time it is
I have to be up.
Bleary eyed but needed, so needed, by you
For these minutes, hours, nothing else matters
Except growing you, my baby

I hold you tight in my arms
and stroke your downy small head
You purr like a kitten lapping its milk
Content, diligent, focused until you fall back into sated sleep

Until next time.

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Motherless

Mum, you died a while ago,
Yet at times throughout the year,
Just for a debilitating moment,
I forget that you’re not here.

Not here to adore your new grandson,
To give me enthusiasm. love and advice,
To reassure me about how I am doing,
Or just to ask me if my day was nice.

That’s why life no longer seems the same,
For when yours had to cruelly end,
I lost my biggest champion,
And my son lost his Nanna, Jen

Right now I’m gazing at my baby boy,
And on this day and all days to come,
I’ll so wish with all my heart,
That you could come and meet him, Mum.

Heart thuds

Thud, thud, thud.
Post partum exhaustion? Oh yes. That was absolutely, unequivocally horrific.

Thud, thud, thud.
Post partum sheer relief? Oh yes. He’s out! It’s over!

Thud, thud, thud.
Post partum terror? Oh yes. We have to now keep this thing alive?

Thud, thud, thud.
Post partum horror? Oh yes. The blood! ‘A veritable crime scene’ says the midwife, impressed.

Thud, thud, thud.
Post partum ecstasy? Oh yes. I am superwoman! I am invincible!

Thud, thud, thud.
Post partum excitement? Oh yes. Life will never be the same again! No going back, for better or worse!

Thud, thud, thud.
Post partum fear? Hell yes. Empty belly, replaced with arms full of responsibility.

Thud, thud, thud.
Post partum disgust? Oh yes. The gore, and now milk is coming out of me??

Thud, thud, thud.
Those beady black eyes staring at me through the gore. Ah, it’s post partum love. That’s all it is.